this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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