oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
