eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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