you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
