we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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