I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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