I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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