Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
