I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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