eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
