Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
