I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
