this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My breasts were aching with rage.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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