R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
