She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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