fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
