I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
