I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
