I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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