she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
