i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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