i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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