I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
