This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
