tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize