If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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