I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
