Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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