was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
