we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
