i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize