just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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