someone threw a dead crab at me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
