If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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