BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize