At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
