Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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