Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
