Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
