I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
