Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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