what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
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