The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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