ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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