your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We just shotgunned beers for America
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
