I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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