Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
