please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
