Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
