i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
zippers are such a cool invention
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
