Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
