We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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