I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
