Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
