So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
