theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
