Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
