hell yes lets make some ravioli
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
