Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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