Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
